Drowning
by Arquellania
Summary: Darling, I'm drowning in loneliness without your embrace. Chuck/Blair
1. Too Far Gone

**Drowning**

**Chapter 1**

**Summary:** Blair gives herself "what she deserves" in the most self-destructive way.

**Disclaimer:** I do own Gossip Girl…in my imagination, that is!

--

She lay on the bathroom floor, breathing heavily. She had surprised herself when she no longer craved to release her lunch into the porcelain toilet bowl.

She didn't want much of anything anymore.

The razor was there, perfectly shiny, on top of the bathroom sink.

She grabbed it. Her fingers delicately lined the blades as she contemplated her decision.

She had nothing.

Her friends were gone. Serena preferred spending her days with Dan, and the others had followed Penelope to her throne. Blair was no longer the queen of the Upper East Side.

She had even been betrayed by Nate. He had turned her away, even when she had visited him personally. The words had come out his mouth clearly. He wanted nothing to do with her. He left when she refused to leave things unsettled; he had his own problems, and Blair was no longer one of them.

--

Chuck had left her as well. Even in a drunken state at the bar, she felt that he meant what he said. He compared her to a used horse, dirty and left for trash.

She had no expression when he was finished. He didn't look at her, just sipped his scotch and waited for her to leave.

Once she left, she knew she was done for. Chuck was her last resort, and he had sensed that.

She regretted ever having sex with either of them. They were on the outs because of her; her name was no longer a part of their vocabulary. She was the center of Gossip Girl blog entries for the wrong reasons.

She had nothing. She was nothing.

--

She let the blades cut into her wrist, and got a towel to cover the gruesome sight.

The blood began to show, red and unforgiving.

She felt no pain. She felt nothing.

Blair Wardolf had finally gotten all that she deserved.

--

He stepped foot into Blair's penthouse.

He wanted to ask for forgiveness. She was distant at school, sharing a few short looks of anger, but nothing more. They hadn't spoken to each other since the bar.

He knew she would be less than happy to see her.

He made his way upstairs. "Blair?" He called.

He heard a moan and headed towards the bathroom.

--

He saw the blood on the towel, almost seeping to the floor.

Blair was speaking indecipherable words, shaking.

"Dorota, call 911!" He screamed, taking hold of Blair.

The maid ran to the bathroom door, phone in hand. Her eyes widened as she called for an ambulance.

"Stay with me, Blair." He took her untouched hand and squeezed tightly.

She almost nodded, but she was too far gone, drowning in the loneliness that she had felt until now.

--

**Author's Note:** Hey guys! In the meantime of struggling with Chapter 7 of Closed Doors, (I like it from either Blair or Chuck's point of view- Nate and Serena are harder to write.) I've decided to post this. Let me know if I should continue this! Thanks, Cass


	2. Loving Her

**Chapter 2**

**Summary:** Chuck and his step-sister have an odd heart-to-heart.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Gossip Girl. –sigh-

**Warning:** Language

--

Chuck hated the smell of hospitals.

He had been in too many hospitals- whenever his mother had an episode he couldn't handle and Bart wasn't home, he had to take her, screeching and crying ringing in his ears.

He didn't want to remember those days. Blair made him remember them.

--

Serena and Dan walked in, solemn and quiet.

Once Serena saw Chuck, she directed Dan to sit down and ran over.

"Tell me she's okay!" She got hysterical. People began to stare.

Chuck grabbed her and led her outside, into a nearby alley.

--

"Look, if you want to talk about Blair, don't broadcast it in the middle of a hospital."

"Chuck, is she okay? That's all I want to know."

"She's stable, no thanks to you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You were too busy fucking Dan to notice how bad it was for Blair."

"Fuck you, Chuck. Who was the person who got her like this in the first place?"

--

"Don't blame this shit on me."

"Why shouldn't I? You broke her heart, asshole."

"I believe Nate Archibald did that."

"She loved you, you damn idiot!"

--

"Stop trying to play fucking games with me, Serena. I'm the one who found her."

"You found her when she didn't need you anymore! She wanted to die, Chuck. She slit her fucking wrists because of _you_!"

He was lost for words. He hadn't realized that Blair tried to kill herself.

--

"I'm not the fucking _slut_ that ran away and made Blair's life a living hell in the first place."

"You dumbass!" She slapped him, cutting him with her nails in the process.

"Dammit!" He grabbed the side of his face, cursing even more.

--

"You fucked Blair just like you fucked every damn whore and prostitute in this city." Serena said through gritted teeth. "She was just another one of your screws! She didn't mean anything to you and she_ loved_ you!"

"You know what? You're right. I fuck everyone, and I don't fall in love with anyone. _You_ used to do the same exact thing."

"I have someone who doesn't just screw me for kicks anymore. You won't ever find anyone to fall in love with unless you change."

"A Bass doesn't change. I'm not changing for anyone."

"Blair loved you for who you were, not the fucking family history you had, or all the money your father earned. She didn't want you to change."

"And yet she went back to Nate like she always does."

"You're just a piece of shit." Serena screamed. "I can't believe Blair ever loved an ass like you."

--

Her last words rang in his ears.

His knees buckled and he fell on the ground and broke down crying.

_A Bass doesn't cry…_

He tried to stop, but he couldn't. The tears rolled down his cheeks unwillingly.

Serena crouched down and hugged her step-brother, caressing his cut cheek.

--

"I know you loved her, Chuck." She was crying too, taking loud breaths.

"I can't believe she did this," He wailed. "I didn't mean to hurt her this bad."

"You were hurt too. You guys betrayed each other, but Blair was broken from the beginning."

"I broke her, I broke her…" He repeated as if he was a baby who had learned his first words.

"Chuck, it's not your fault. It's mine."

--

"No, it's not."

"_I_ had sex with Nate. _I_ left for Connecticut when she needed me."

"But you came back and you earned her trust again. I can never look her in the eye again."

"Yes, you can. You saved her."

"She didn't want to be saved."

"She was crying out for help-"

"If she slit her wrists, she wanted to die, Serena. She wanted to die because of me." The guilty glue wouldn't go away. If he hadn't turned her away at the bar, this probably never would have happened.

--

The conversation ended at that.

They entered the hospital waiting room, a confused Dan waiting for them.

"The nurse wants you guys," He said, sighing and pulling his hair back.

--

"She's awake."

They sighed in relief. Serena squeezed Chuck's hand and he relaxed.

"You can see her now."

--

They headed to her room, but stopped inches from the doorway.

"Are you ready?" Serena asked, worried for her step-brother.

He nodded, at a loss for words.

They stepped in, unprepared for what they saw before them.

--

**Spotted: S and C in an alley, crying their eyes out.**

**What a coincidence; they just made their way out of the hospital.**

**Did they get some bad news? And where are B and N?**

**I think this tear fest is about one of their own.**

**The question is: Who are they crying over?**

**I need information, so these two better spill the secret.**

**You know you love me,**

**xoxo Gossip Girl**

**--**

**Author's Note:** This chapter was quite difficult to write, but I did get it out. I feel that the Chuck/Serena relationship is quite underrated, and I want to leave Chapter 3 for Blair and Chuck specifically. Reviews are appreciated! Thanks, Cass


	3. Silence

**Chapter 3**

**Summary:** Blair has a confrontation with Chuck and Serena, although it's more silence than anything.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gossip Girl.

**Warning:** Language

--

Her hair was no longer in its perfect bun. It was loose and tangled, sticking to the sides of her face. She had unexplainable sweat matted all over her visible body parts, and she was unhealthily pale. There were what seemed to be pounds of gauze covering the self-inflicted slash to her wrist. She caught the eyes of Chuck and Serena, but didn't say anything. Her mind was still a bit foggy, but she caught the smell of a hospital and groaned.

Serena cautiously made her way to Blair, as if she was walking on eggshells. Her eyes were clouded, staring at Blair. She examined her for few moments. She turned around, looking at Chuck, but he stood by the doorway, refusing to move any closer to the broken girl in front of him. Serena motioned to him, but he shook his head, just staring at Blair, with nothing to say.

--

"Blair, are you okay?" Serena put her fingers through Blair's hair, but Blair shakily lifted a hand and pulled Serena's away. She looked out of the window. It burned her eyes with a painful sensation but she wanted to ignore the two people watching her as if she was a spectacle for everyone to see.

"Blair, look at me." Serena's tone became more affirming, causing Blair's head to turn back to her. Serena examined her again. Her eyes were empty, as if Chuck and Serena weren't even there. "Talk to me, Blair." Serena looked worriedly into her best friend's eyes, but Blair still said nothing.

"Dammit Blair, talk to her." Chuck's voice boomed from the back of the room, causing nurses in the hallway to stare. Chuck turned to them and glared, and they scurried off hurriedly, as if nothing had happened.

Blair cleared her throat. Serena practically jumped. "Fuck you, Bass." That was all she had to say to make Serena feel sufficiently awkward, and to make Chuck finally walk into the room. Serena breathed heavily, feeling satisfied that Blair had talked but guilty for swearing to the person that saved her.

"Look, Waldorf, we're trying to help you," Chuck was also worried, but his hard exterior wouldn't let it show. He was already embarrassed from his episode in the alley, which he had already seen on Gossip Girl. Even if it was Blair he was crying for, he didn't cry. Shit, he didn't even cry for his mother.

"It's a little too late for that." Blair's harsh tone hushed everyone once again. Serena took her hand. "It's not too late, Blair," Serena suggested, but Blair pulled her hand away. "You're still alive."

"I believe I'm a little reluctant about that." Blair rolled her eyes. Chuck immediately reacted to this. "So, saving your fucking life was for nothing?" Blair got vicious, gritting her teeth. "Oh, that was you? I thought it was the pool boy."

--

"Cool out, guys." Serena interjected, before things got further. "Look, the point is that you did this for a reason, Blair. We need to know why." Blair pursed her lips, annoyed. "Why, so it can be on Gossip Girl? No thank you."

"No, so we can help you." Serena was being gentle, but was quickly irked by Blair's sarcasm and harsh tone. "I believe the word help has been played out in this room already," Blair said drily. "You can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped. I thought my _best friend_ would know that."

"Okay, I'm tired of your shitty attitude, Blair," Chuck ran his fingers through his hair. "We're trying to get through to you, and your crappy sarcasm and wit aren't helping." Blair stiffened. "I'm sorry, but I do not plan to help you try to be my therapists," She narrowed her eyes. "Besides, you two are part of the reasons why I ended up here."

Chuck's guilt was reaffirmed. He gulped, and had nothing more to say. Serena was in complete shock, her eyes filling with tears as she finally learned the harsh truth that she was unable to handle. The silence was revisited again, the conversation growing more awkward as it spanned on. Blair was merely looking through the mirror again, forgetting that Chuck and Serena were even there. She did not want to be fixated on all that happened in the past that drove her to this pain and insanity that she was currently in, and she certainly no longer wanted to trust anyone.

--

"I love you, Blair," Serena's eyes were red rimmed and puffy now, tears still flowing. "We're best friends. Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy?" Blair turned back to the broken blond girl in front of her, and simply stated, "Because you had a life that no longer included me." Serena was hit by those words harshly, more tears pouring down. She had made promises to Blair that she didn't keep because she was fixated on Dan and getting the stellar reputation she needed for a normal life in the Upper East Side. When she met Blair before her escape to France, she promised to be there for her. That promise was definitely not kept, considering that her days were spent at the Humphrey loft instead of the Waldorf penthouse.

"Why didn't you just tell me that?" Serena's voice got small, her words stumbling out. "You were busy having sex with Dan, getting good grades, and avoiding the trouble that comes with being an Upper East Sider. You should have noticed if you really cared about me. I don't need to tell you everything, Serena. It didn't take a genius to figure out that I was unhappy." Blair's voice got loud and bellowing. "Not only did Chuck screw me over, but so did Nate. Did you think that I was fine, and everything was peachy? Everything was a fucking shithole, and you knew. It was just like when you left for boarding school, except you were right next to me and paying absolutely no mind."

--

"I left you alone," Serena weakly defended herself. "I thought you needed to be by yourself for a while." Blair rolled her eyes and snorted. "You're lying through your fucking teeth. You promised to be there for me, and you were lying then. You're the same slut that came back from Connecticut, even though no one can see it but me."

"Shut the hell up, Blair," Chuck finally spoke again. "I understand that you fucking cut yourself for a reason, but Serena isn't your psychologist. You need to inform here about some things before you go and slice yourself with a razor." Serena's mouth was agape. "Chuck, that was the wrong thing to say-"

"Chuck, get the fuck out," Blair yelled. "Fuck you, and fuck everything that you ever said to me. I can not believe I was ever in love with you."

Chuck's heart was stabbed. If she would have said that earlier, none of this would have ever happened. They wouldn't be in that hospital room, cursing each other out, getting their feelings out in the most unimaginable way. "I'm not leaving." He stood his ground. He wanted to say so many things to Blair that he was never able to say, so many things that he really meant.

--

Serena stood up, shaking her head at Chuck. "We're going to go, B." She wanted this conversation to end before things got even worse between former friends. Their relationships were nearly destroyed, and she didn't know if they would ever be repaired.

"Only my friends call me B," Blair snarled, her cold tone still unfazed. Serena had no response. She simply forced Chuck out of the door, and then closed it.

--

"What a bitch." Chuck's words were empty, and both he and Serena knew he didn't mean them.

"Shut up, Chuck," Serena's tone was now as cold as Blair's. "We have to let Blair heal at her own pace. She needs to be alone. She needs to find her own way. Blair is not going to be happy if we keep on trying to force it out of her."

Chuck closed his eyes for a moment, to reminisce about the times when Blair was at her happiest. The ironic thing was that she was at her happiest when she was with him.

--

**Author's Note:** I finally got this out there. I'm sorry that it took so long, but it was really difficult to write. Now, Chuck and Serena are going to back off, though reluctantly. I know you're asking, "Where's Nate?" That will be explained later on, but I'm going to try to take Chapter 4 from Blair's point of view to see why she chose not to let much out about why she fell apart. In the meantime, I'm working on a Jenny-centric fic. The small summary is on my profile, if you want to take a look. I have a lot of other ideas, too, 

but I do realize that I haven't been updating as much as I should, so I'm going to get on that. Reviews are appreciated! Thanks, Cass


	4. Apologies

**Chapter 4**

**Summary:** Blair is forcefully placed into group therapy at the Ostroff Center.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Gossip Girl, blah, blah, blah.

--

For the very first time, Blair Wardolf was not ready. Her first day back at Constance had arrived. Eleanor had covered up her episode, explaining that she had sent Blair to a private health spa retreat at an undisclosed location. Gossip Girl didn't find out about what really happened, but she did take joy in poking at Blair's destroyed reputation. Her blog entries were often filled with information on Blair's disappearance from the Upper East Side. They were false, obviously, considering the only people who knew the truth were Serena, Chuck, Eleanor, and Nate, even though she had yet to see him. She hadn't yet called her father to explain everything, and she doubted Eleanor had, but she didn't really want to. She pushed that phone call back for as long as she could.

She readjusted her solid forest green headband. Serena was picking her up, sans Chuck, she promised. Blair was both disappointed and pleased by this. Chuck had not visited her after her episode in the hospital, and kept his distance from her. When Serena was with her, they never talked about what happened. She either wanted to avoid the conversation or pretend like it never happened. Blair didn't mind, but she somehow felt like she wasn't needed. She felt as if she would have died, she would have easily been forgotten, and everyone would go back to their every day schedules. But she would never tell anyone that. She simply never exposed her true feelings in situations like this, though she broke down every once in a while.

"Miss Blair, Miss Serena for you!" Dorota called from downstairs. "I'm coming!" Blair yelled as she rolled her eyes. She was wearing a jacket even though it was mid-spring and unseasonably warm outside. She made sure that it covered her wrists entirely. She didn't want anyone to see the wounds. People would speculate, sure, but no one would see. That was good enough for her.

Her Jimmy Choos clacked on the staircase as she swiftly made her way down. Serena was waiting, her blond hair messily put into a ponytail. "B, it's seventy degrees outside-" She offered. "I'm not taking the jacket off." Blair's tone was affirming. Serena didn't say anything. "And your hair looks horrible, by the way." Blair lightly attacked her to shy away from the subject. Serena simply sighed and let her hair loose. "Chuck's been asking about you," Serena offered Blair a smile. "He really wants to talk to you." Blair shook her head. "Screw Chuck. Can we go to school now?" She deadpanned. Serena stopped talking for a bit as they made their way outside and started walking.

"He knows he messed up," Serena tried again. "Blair, just talk to him. I've never seen him this depressed." Blair rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll talk to him if you'd shut the hell up." She honestly didn't understand why Serena was defending him. He had plenty of opportunities to talk to her in the two weeks she was in the hospital. She did push him away, but Chuck usually didn't listen to what she said. What was so special about this occasion?

--

He looked at her coming into the courtyard. She was still beautiful as ever. His stomach felt odd, but he shook it away. He had kept his distance because Serena had asked him to, but he had almost pleaded to ask Blair to talk to him. He had so much to say to her, but she was pushing him away.

She was wearing a winter jacket in the warm weather. He knew why; she was trying to cover up her faults, but he saw right through her. He was one of the few people who did. She was one of his best friends, and they understood each other. As soon as their affair started and abruptly ended, nothing was ever the same. He definitely didn't regret their affair, but it didn't come without its complications. She immediately caught his eye, and headed up the stairs. Serena had talked to her. He had to somehow find a way to thank her later.

--

"Is there something you want to say to me, Bass?" Blair pursed her lips, waiting for a response. Her impatience had definitely returned. Everyone was staring. She enjoyed the attention, but not when it centered around her and Chuck Bass. Chuck was smoking a joint, but immediately dropped it. Blair tapped her heels on the concrete. "I'm waiting." Chuck was dumbfounded; all he wanted to say was erased from his memory.

"Nice talking to you," Blair made her way back to Serena. "You're an idiot." Chuck didn't know what to say. "Blair, wait!" She didn't stop, her heels hitting the stairs. "Blair…I'm sorry." She stopped for a moment, and kept on going, tears stinging her eyes. His apology was a slice to the stomach. Chuck Bass never apologized to anyone.

--

She didn't turn around. Serena gave him a look of pity; she really wanted things to work out between them. He had apologized to her and it made absolutely no difference. He took out another joint and lit it. There was nothing else to do but get high and imagine what things would be like if he had never said those harsh words to Blair at the bar.

--

Serena gave her almost-stepbrother an apologizing look and headed into Constance with Blair. "Well, that was pointless," Blair rolled her eyes. "He really is sorry," Serena was almost pleading with her. "I know," Blair sighed. "I know." The bell rang.

--

"Nathaniel, I think…" Chuck snickered for no reason. "I don't know what I'm thinking."

Nate snorted. "What happened between you and Blair this morning?"

"I'm more interested in the fact that you haven't contacted her for the past two weeks." Chuck stuttered. Nate was being a jackass. Even though Blair had an affair with him, that didn't leave Nate with a reason to avoid Blair after she almost killed herself. He was wasted, Nate was wasted…He didn't know why the hell he was talking to Nate in the first place. Weren't they supposed to be fighting?

"I couldn't face her, man," Nate looked at the ground. "I just couldn't see Blair like that." There was complete silence.

"You know I still hate you, right?" Chuck was finished smoking his fourth joint.

"Right back at you."

--

"Mother, I refuse," Blair fell back on her bed, crossing her arms. Eleanor stood in front of her with a stoned face. "You're going, and that's final," Eleanor said through gritted teeth. "Think of how much the therapy helped Eric van der Woodsen."

"Eric hated it there," Blair smothered a pillow. "You don't have to stay there," Eleanor continued to argue with her. "It's just a weekly group therapy session." Blair screamed into the pillow. "I don't want to spend my Monday nights in therapy with a bunch of low-lifes who know absolutely nothing about me."

Eleanor was now seemingly annoyed. She threw a dress on the bed. "Blair Cornelia Wardolf, you're going to that damn therapy session and that's final."

Blair huffed as she shifted off of the bed. "Fine."

--

Anyone who stepped into the room could feel how incredibly awkward it was. She suddenly wished that her mother was there to break the ice, but there was only a circle of weirdos around her.

A goth girl snapped some gum. "I'm Hallie." Blair saw the visible cuts on her arm. A very nervous and sweaty guy was next. "I-I'm Tyler." He shook uncontrollably. A blond girl, who Blair recognized as a visible slut, smirked. "I'm Alexis." A girl with a sports jacket had her eyebrows raised. "I'm Tammy." A pale and frozen guy bit his lip. "I'm Brian." Blair rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. "Blair."

She sighed. This was going to be a long and stressful night.

--

**Author's Note:** Yes, Chuck and Nate still aren't talking to each other. They were just too high to notice. I have a new one-shot up called Seeing Clearly. It's all about Dan and Serena. This group therapy plot will delve deeper as months pass by, but Blair is very closed in right now, especially when it comes to Chuck. Reviews are appreciated! Thanks, Cass


	5. Memories

**Chapter 5**

**Summary:** Blair and Chuck reminisce at Victrola.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl, or any of the pretty surfboards they won.

--

The murmurs and excitement of Spring Break lingered through the streets on Friday afternoon. Blair sat on the steps, swallowing a tub of yogurt rapidly. Serena gave her an odd look, but turned back to her fruit salad and continued conversing with Dan. Blair rolled her eyes. Cabbage Patch was invading her space. It wouldn't have been any worse if…

_Chuck_. He exited out of his limo in front of the Met. Serena waved to him. Blair slapped her arm. "Ow!" Serena screeched. "What did you do that for?" Blair's eyes narrowed. "For inviting that idiot to sit here!" She sighed. Serena had been trying all week to get Blair to talk to him, and had been unsuccessful countless times. Chuck cautiously made his way up the steps. He plopped down next to Blair and adjusted his scarf. Even Dan stopped chatting. Everyone wanted to know what was going to happen next. Penelope and her wannabe crew smirked a couple of yards away, sans Jenny.

Blair gave Serena a "talk to him" gesture, but she simply gave Chuck a smile and turned back to Dan, chatting animatedly. Blair's nostrils flared as she adjusted her plaid headband. She was still wearing a jacket, beads of sweat forming on her arms. She was nervous, but he seemed almost emotionless. He breathed deeply. He obviously refused to start the conversation.

"Since your idiotic stepsister," She emphasized loudly, leaving Serena to blush and Dan to give her a cold stare. "Wants me to talk to you, I'll go ahead and speak." Chuck was once again lost for words. "I'm going to give you one opportunity," Blair added. "To actually have a conversation with me. Victrola, tonight at eight." He immediately jumped at the chance. "I'll pick you up in the limo." He was overly excited, and she sensed it. "That limo is practically possessed," Blair sneered. "I'd rather take a cab." Chuck suddenly became assertive. "I'm picking you up at seven-thirty." Serena and Dan turned to them yet again. Blair flipped her hair, incredibly annoyed. "Fine." She was tired of giving into people, but she didn't feel like arguing these days. She felt as if she lost her edge.

Chuck smirked. "Nice talking to you." He spotted Eric and made his way down the steps, leaving with a sense of victory and adrenaline. Blair finally gave him the opportunity to talk to her. He had to make it good.

Blair licked her spoon one last time. She glared at Serena. "Are you happy now?" She set the tub next to her. Serena grinned. "Extremely." Blair gave her a cold look. "At least someone is." She'd been trying to avoid Chuck for days because she knew when she actually started a conversation with him, she'd explode. Chuck definitely had a lot coming to him, and he didn't even know it. Suddenly, Blair was pleased to spend time with him.

--

Blair applied her Indian Red Chanel lipstick as she looked into her compact mirror. She had been generous with her foundation to cover the forming bags under her eyes. She hadn't been sleeping much; she was being haunted by memories that just wouldn't go away. She was going out in public for the first time since the incident without a jacket. She stepped into her high open-toed Christian Louboutins and examined her Dolce & Gabbana silk chiffon dress one last time.

"Miss Blair," Dorota called. "Mister Chuck for you!" Blair sighed as she played with her billowing dress skirt._ Here goes nothing._

--

Her heels tapped on the stairs in a pattern, as if she was skipping. Her curls jumped with her, the color of dark chocolate enveloping her cheeks. She was still beautiful. He was shocked when he saw she didn't have a jacket on. She batted her eyelashes, giving him a small smile. She pressed the elevator button. He was surprised at this, considering Blair enjoyed to be waited on. She seemed to be going at supersonic speed lately, moving faster than the people around her. Chuck numbly followed her, his palms sweating. He had never been this nervous about anyone. His knees wanted to buckle but he kept his composure. The silence was oddly soothing.

She stayed in the corner, not looking him in the eye or attempting to start a conversation with him. It seemed like the longest elevator ride he had ever taken. When the bell rang, Blair rushed out and headed through the building doors. Her heels hit the concrete hard as she made a point to open the limo door for herself. She left the door open for Chuck. He entered as if he was walking on eggshells. She was wearing a simple thin black headband, her curls falling neatly on her shoulders. Her dress had tinges of green and pink, but was overwhelmingly dark. She no longer wore bright clothing, he noticed. This week had been brutal; she avoided him like the plague. She kept to herself these days, as if Chuck had been the root of all her problems. He sometimes pondered if he was, and it bothered him deeply.

She pursed her dark red lips and took out a bottle of wine from the cooler. She grabbed a glass and poured as much as she could. She swallowed the entire glass in one big gulp. She didn't want to be here. It hurt him. All he wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything was all right, but she would never let him. Blair was simply incapable of showing her feelings for now. He had to respect that because he had absolutely no right to invade her space.

"This brings back quite a few memories," He almost saw a smile come across her lips, but it quickly disappeared. "I feel like it's been ages since I've been in here." It had only been about two or three weeks, he knew, but she had become an entirely different person in that time. He tried to be comforting, but it was hard for him. "This has become like a second home to you." He snickered. Blair's eyes were smiling. "Now, I wouldn't go _that_ far." She finally laughed. He loved her laugh.

It was obviously tense, but there was a bit of relief once the conversation started. Blair blew at her nails for no apparent reason. Chuck saw the scars. They were faint, and incredibly hard to notice. He wondered why Blair was so self-conscious about them, but he knew Blair cared a lot about what people thought about her. She gave him a hard look. "You're looking at my wrists." It was more of a statement 

than telling him to stop, but he immediately turned away in embarrassment. Her voice got softer and more vulnerable. "Can you see the scars?" She was incredibly prone to falling apart, he noticed. He shook his head in an effort to comfort her. He could hardly see them, anyway, and he found no reason for her to obsess over it. She had hurt herself, and he had yet to find the real reason why. He suddenly reached over to her. She pulled back, afraid, but he reached further and took her hand. She almost pushed him away but she took his hand and intertwined her fingers with his. She wanted to trust again.

"Mister Bass, we've arrived." Chuck's chauffeur bellowed. Blair jumped back, startled. Chuck sighed, knowing the moment would end. He opened the limo door, particularly annoyed that they had arrived at the wrong moment. Blair stepped out, her heels narrowly missing Chuck's knees. She laughed again when Chuck jumped back. "Scared, Bass?" She raised her eyebrows. "I've only seen a six year old girl jump that high." He loved it when she poked fun at him.

He didn't respond, putting on a small pout as they made their way inside. A bouncer opened the ropes for them, nodding his head at Chuck. Chuck didn't dare grab her hand again; she found her way through the crowd on her own. He loved that she was independent. He sat on the infamous couch in the center of the room and gestured to the waiter. He ordered a scotch; Blair ordered a martini.

"Now _this _brings back memories," Blair took a sip of her drink cautiously. "I did my first and last strip tease here." Chuck snickered at that. "I doubt it'll be your last." The dancers assembled on stage and started their nightly show. Blair rolled her eyes and sipped her drink again.

"I'll only go up if you go with me." Blair challenged him. "And you'll never do that." Chuck smirked. She was daring him, just like he dared her those months ago. He set his scotch down. "You know what?" He got daring. "I'll do it." Blair raised her eyebrows. "Deal." She shook Chuck's hand. She took the last gulp of her drink and Chuck did the same. Blair stood up, smoothing her dress. "I'm ready for anything."

--

Blair's heels headed up the stage steps. Chuck suddenly became very hesitant, but Blair yanked on his arm and he stumbled his way up the stairs. Blair gave him a look of victory as she once again starting dancing on the stage. Her dress was first; Chuck gladly helped her with that. As the dress fell to the floor, it revealed the Valentino nightgown she had worn last time. She slowly removed her headband and threw it into the crowd. A girl in the front row whooped as Blair's hips started swinging from left to right. She gave a square look at Chuck. It was his turn.

Chuck sighed as he first removed his jacket and then his lavender bow-tie. They flew to the ground, the hollers from the crowd getting louder. He took off his shirt next, Blair looking at him in pure enjoyment. "The pants have to go off too, Bass." She smirked. His nostrils flared as he removed his belt and his pants fell to the floor. All that was left were his boxers and his trademark scarf. Blair was laughing now. She grabbed Chuck around the waist and started dancing behind him. Chuck was in complete ecstasy. Nothing could top this.

Blair moved her hips again as she let go of Chuck. She threw her arms into the air and she continued dancing. Chuck started clapping, adding to the noise coming from the crowd. Blair was truly enjoying herself; it seemed as if she hadn't been happy for weeks. She gave Chuck a big grin as she headed backstage. Chuck followed her, somehow disappointed and relieved that it was over.

"Thank you." Blair was sincere on that part. "I haven't been this happy in a while." She put her dress back on and Chuck zipped it for her. "You're the one who suggested we'd meet here." He snickered. Blair laughed. "I mean, thank you for going up there with me." She got quiet. "I couldn't have done it alone." She gave him a look of pure joy; it was a feeling that she hadn't felt when she wasn't with Chuck. She was stopped dead in her tracks.

He kissed her. She almost let him, but she knew that it wouldn't work. He had broken her heart; she still didn't trust him. She wanted to trust him. She loved him.

She pulled away, slapping Chuck's arm down. "I can't do this." She ran, going down the stage and through the ropes at the entrance. Chuck ran after her, but she was gone, the darkness of the New York City night overpowering him. She was gone, and he let her go. The one opportunity he had to tell her everything slipped from his grasp.

--

**Author's Note:** The whole point of Drowning is basically Blair trying to find her happy ending while trying to heal her wounds. Blair and Chuck can't exactly have their happy ending so fast. There's more drama coming, and it starts off from right where I ended this chapter. Reviews are definitely appreciated! Thanks, Cass


	6. Spinning

**Chapter 6**

**Summary:** Blair learns that things are not getting easier and won't be for a long while.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Gossip Girl. If I did, Chuck and Blair wouldn't have broken up in the first place. Well, maybe. Make-up sex is pretty hot.

--

There were those days where Blair just wandered through the streets of Manhattan at night.

And she was fine for a while.

But with the good streets of Manhattan came the bad.

She usually stopped by then. But she was still walking. Waiting for something to happen.

Some damn nuclear explosion. Anything. Armageddon. Something.

But all she saw was people. Creepy old men by the gutter drinking beer. Prostitutes practically attached to them.

She was completely terrified, but she tried not to show it.

She prayed the Bass limo would come and rescue her. But it didn't appear.

The men's eyes followed her. She froze.

A balding man with rotten teeth walked over to her.

His breath smelled of horrible liquor. Did Chuck ever smell like that?

"How much do you charge?" He crept a bit closer to her.

"I'm not a hooker." She pushed him away. And then she squeezed her eyes shut, for she knew that she was going to regret it.

The disgusting man seemed appalled. Other men crowded around. The circle got tighter.

Blair felt like praying even though she had not one ounce of religiousness.

Chuck wasn't there to rescue her. And that made it much worse.

Time seemed to freeze for a few seconds. And then one man moved forward. She ran on impulse.

Her dress skirt flew behind her, slapping idle men on the street. She ran as fast as she could, as far as she could.

The prostitutes turned a bit. But then they just followed men in tandem into the backseats of cars.

Blair's tears blinded her as she ran for blocks. Two. Three. Four. Five. She started counting her steps and the streets she passed. The quiet streets of Manhattan didn't respond. She heard whispers of congregations of profanity but there was nothing else. No one asked her if she was all right.

It was just a race against time and her ability to avoid another disaster.

Then she had no more breaths to take in. She had to stop. She couldn't go any further.

And so she did. She took in sharp, loud breaths with hot tears almost scalding her skin.

Her heart stopped when a hand yanked on her arm.

And she went down on the concrete. Hands were pulling on her dress zipper, going up her skirt, caressing her thighs. She screamed once but then a filthy hand went on her mouth.

Her dress skirt was bunched up to her waist. A man was unbuttoning his pants. She wanted someone to rescue her.

She was crying. A hard, headache-inducing cry. Her body shook violently.

And it was only because no one cared. No one was even looking. The spotlight wasn't on Blair Waldorf when she most needed it.

--

She knew was she had to do before she was violated.

She sucked in a breath and bit his hand as hard as she could.

She bit until she tasted blood. The man screamed.

She kicked him in the nuts. He screamed louder.

The other men backed away. She heard the screeching of tires.

"Get off of her!" The young man shrouded in darkness pushed the others out of the way.

"Chuck," She breathed when his features came into full view. Her emotions overcame herself and she threw her arms around his neck.

She tried to get up but she felt numb. Chuck instantly understood and grabbed her. Once she was safely in his arms and above the ground, the startled men scurried and the prostitutes were collecting their money.

Her tears freely flowed on his suit jacket. She was thankful, and he knew that she would never express it. He gently took her into the limo.

After a few seconds, Blair wondered why Chuck hadn't entered.

She craned her neck out of the door. Her heart dropped into her stomach.

There was Charles Bass. Just standing with a blade held to his throat.

And the world started spinning.

--

**Author's Note:** My first real cliffhanger. Did you enjoy this chapter? Was it too short? (Oh yes, I know it was. I t was intended to be. XD) Too vague? Too stupid to comprehend? I love feedback. I crave it. So I would really love any reviews!

P.S.: I thought Chuck was such a douchebag in this week's episode. But I still love him. D

**Blood Red Kiss of Death:** Thanks for reviewing every chapter! Sorry for not updating as often as I should.

It's just implied that Nate knows because it's just transferred through their circle. It's just Serena, Chuck, and Nate who know. For now. ;)

Now, I need to update Closed Doors, but I do have a grasp on what's going to happen next. Spring Break is definitely going to go fast in this story…

Thanks to everyone else who reviewed! I am taking the feedback in. And I can't promise you, but I'll try really hard to update sooner.

I just ask that you read. And review, of course! Thanks, Cass


	7. Change

**Chapter 7**

**Summary:** Blair has a life-changing moment that forever conflicts her relationship with Chuck.

**Disclaimer:** Gossip Girl isn't mine. (

--

Blair was still frozen. Chuck gave her a sharp look from the corner of his eye. She slammed the car door and then winced. Horrible idea.

The limo driver got wind of the situation and screeched forward, but Blair barked at him and then he stopped.

Chuck's jacket with all of his things, including his scarf, was there on the seat. Blair sighed in relief.

She was watching intently. There was silence.

The man patted Chuck down. He eventually eased up when it was evident that Chuck had nothing.

Then he got vicious. He picked up a bat. Blair's heart skipped a beat. Chuck was in trouble. And she wasn't able to help him.

But her blood rose to her face when she saw the bat coming towards the car.

And she was waiting for glass to rain on her. But it didn't happen.

Chuck was yelling now. She couldn't hear him through the glass, but he had suddenly blown his top.

And then the world spun again.

There was the swift swipe of a blade against Chuck's shoulder. His white shirt was quickly stained in blood.

Blair couldn't look anymore. He just heard a yell and then footsteps running.

She took out her phone quietly as the limo driver exited the vehicle once the men had scattered.

"Hello, 911." Blair's tears spilled down her cheeks. "I need an ambulance…"

--

Blair again smelled the terrifying smell of a hospital, but from the waiting room. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy the last time she looked into her compact mirror. It was one glance; she couldn't look at herself.

Serena entered in a blinding rush. Nate soon entered begrudgingly.

"What happened?" Serena whispered hastily. "Did he get alcohol poisoning, or something?"

She just gave her an emotionless look. "No, Serena." Her voice cracked. "He got stabbed."

Serena just turned horribly red as Nate stepped up.

"Blair, I know I haven't gotten the chance to talk to you after-" He coughed. "-after what happened."

She silenced him by putting her palm up. "Nate, it isn't the time to talk about me."

And it wasn't. Blair didn't want the spotlight. She didn't want anything anymore.

--

"Well, he hasn't gotten any considerable damage to his shoulder." The doctor tapped his clipboard. "No nerve or tissue damage…"

Blair sighed in relief.

"His stomach, however, is a different story." The doctor stopped for a moment. "It doesn't seem as if the blade pierced any part of his intestines…"

Blair closed her eyes and waited for the bad news.

"But it may have done severe damage to his ribs." He tapped his clipboard again. "We may be wrong, but he has to stay for at least three days because we'll be looking for infections-"

"But is he going to be okay?" That's all Blair wanted to know.

"In the long run, yes." He sighed. "But he may have some difficulty walking-"

"Charles," Blair said breathily. "His name is Charles."

"Yes," The doctor nodded. "Charles may have difficulty walking and lifting his right arm above his head. That may require some therapy." He scribbled down something.

"Okay." Blair couldn't take it anymore.

"He needs both his shoulder and stomach bandages to be changed nightly for two weeks." The doctor eyed her then.

"I can do that." Blair nodded slowly.

The doctor nodded as well. "Okay, good," He flipped through the pages of the clipboard. "You can see him now."

He walked off. Blair took in a hard breath and prepared herself, for she now knew what Chuck felt when he first visited her in the very same hospital.

--

Chuck was groaning when she entered. His shifted a bit then saw her.

"Chuck," She squeezed her eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry." He shook his head. "It's my fault."

"How is it your fault?" She demanded.

"I shouldn't have let you leave Victrola." Chuck sighed. "I should have at least run after you."

"I shouldn't have run in the first place." She snapped. "You can't take the blame for everything, Chuck."

He groaned and shifted again.

"Does it hurt?" She got quiet again.

"My shoulder's numb." He relaxed a bit in his fit of restlessness. "But my ribs are killing me."

She nodded a bit then felt completely horrible. Her tears started falling unwillingly. "I can't believe this." She put her head in her hands.

He was startled by her wave of emotions. "Are you alright?"

"Yes!" She yelped. The nurses in the hallway looked for a moment but then scattered. "It's you that isn't alright."

"I'll be fine." He said nonchalantly.

"You might be partially paralyzed, Chuck," She said softly as she shook her head repeatedly. "You might have damaged ribs."

"But I'll be fine." He said again. "I'll be fine in the long run."

"Maybe you'll be fine," Blair got loud again. A nurse came over and closed the door. "Maybe you'll be fine one day." Her voice cracked again. "But the scars will always be there." She didn't mean the physical ones, but she subconsciously felt the thin scar on her wrist.

Chuck had nothing to say. He looked as if something was caught in his throat. He just shook his head.

And then the bomb dropped.

"Why didn't you just let me die?" Blair had fully broken down.

Chuck's heart stopped for a second. He couldn't answer the question.

She waited for an answer, but it didn't come. She just shook her head furiously and slowly grabbed the doorknob. She slipped out of the room and left Chuck Bass in his misery.

Everything had changed with one simple question that Chuck Bass couldn't answer.

--

**Author's Note:** Drama yet again! Dun dun dun…

Now, I know you think I'm evil for doing his to Chuckles, but drama pulls you in, right?

I see everyone liked the cliffhanger last chapter! Maybe I'll do them more often. ;)

REVIEW! It would be of pure awesomeness if you did. Thanks, Cass


	8. Revelation

**Drowning**

**Chapter 8 – Revelation**

**--**

**Summary:** Blair reveals a shocking secret as Chuck finally comes to terms with why he destroyed her at the bar and what happens next.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl.

--

Some stories don't have happy endings.

Some end abruptly. But Blair didn't want that. So even though she didn't want to see him, she trudged to suite 1812 on Monday afternoon to do her job. She felt sick as hell, throwing up her breakfast, but Blair could swear it was nerves. Just nerves.

It was pitch black in the entire place. Blair snapped the lights on.

"Get your ass up, Bass," Blair snapped. "You've had enough sleep."

Chuck groaned and turned towards her. "Screw you, Waldorf. I thought you weren't talking to me anyway."

Blair sighed. "I already agreed to bandage you every day, and I'd rather not flake on it." Her face scrunched up in annoyance. "Now, _sit up._"

He did as he was told without complaint. He tried to remove his shirt but his shoulder wasn't cooperating for him to unbutton it. "Do you mind?"

Blair unbuttoned his shirt carefully. She slowly removed the sleeves. Chuck winced. Guilt sunk in.

She examined the bandages on his shoulder and stomach. Several layers; Blair inferred they had to be deep cuts.

She carefully began to remove the shoulder bandage to reveal a deep gash. His muscles were visible. Blair felt nauseated. She grabbed her bag and took out the alcohol and cotton swabs to clean out the cut.

She began softly, knowing the alcohol would burn, but soon got rough with scrubbing the cut thoroughly.

"Shit, Blair!" He shouted. "Are you trying to light me on fire?"

Blair shrugged as she scrubbed. "Sorry."

Once she was satisfied with the cleanliness of the cut she took out the gauze and thoroughly bandaged the cut again. She was gentle with this, knowing that she had put Chuck through enough pain already.

She began on the stomach cut, removing the bandage and examining the severity. This cut seemed worse; not only was it longer but deeper. Blair squeezed her eyes shut for a few seconds then promptly started to scrub with the alcohol.

Chuck's mouth was clamped shut for this one. Blair knew he wanted to yell at the top of his lungs.

She shook her head and clucked her tongue. "You're weak, you know that?"

She could see him roll his eyes above her. She bandaged the cut and was satisfied with her job.

Blair grabbed a new shirt from his closet and promptly began putting the sleeves on.

She felt his skin innocently, and a rapid fire coursed through her veins. She snapped her eyes shut again and controlled herself.

Once she was finished and was once again at eye level with Chuck, he mumbled a "Thanks," under his breath.

Blair smiled a bit. "No problem." She collected her things and loaded them into her bag.

"Wait, where are you going?" He seemed disappointed.

"I have an appointment." Blair said vaguely. Chuck examined her. She was wearing jeans. Fucking _jeans._ Something was up, but he didn't really want to investigate it.

She smiled again. "Now, promise me you'll be good." She was playing with him.

Chuck smirked. "Always."

She kissed him on the cheek nonchalantly and made her way out of the door.

Chuck was definitely confused. She was suddenly being nice to him. Oh well.

--

Blair promptly put on her Chanel sunglasses and a hat that covered everything up to her eyes. She couldn't risk being seen walking to the loony bin. Not only would everyone know, but Chuck would never let her live it down.

And his opinion, well, it was the only one that mattered at this point.

--

The group counselor tapped her pen on a clipboard. "Today, you'll be working in pairs and learning about each other." Blair sighed and rubbed her eyes. She hated this.

"Blair?" Blair looked up unwillingly and put on a fake smile. "You'll be with Brian." The counselor pointed her pen to the jittery guy in the corner.

Blair rolled her eyes. She _had_ to get the dork.

--

Brian loosened up a bit after some awkward silence.

"So…" He rubbed his thumbs together. "Why are you here?"

Blair didn't respond. "Why are _you _here?" She snapped.

Brian took a deep breath and stopped for a moment. Finally he let it out and started talking.

"Well, I'm not from New York," He started. "I'm from California."

Blair blew at her nails. "How interesting."

He ignored her. "I wasn't exactly too happy there. My parents were divorced and all."

Blair froze. Divorced parents. A coincidence.

"I lived with my dad. Not exactly the nicest person in the world. He was never happy with what I wanted to do or who I was. I was tired of it.

"So I started hanging around with this crowd…You could call them misfits…We decided that we'd take care of things. Make everything better."

Blair looked up at him. What was he talking about?"

"We all signed a suicide pact."

Blair's eyes widened. Something so sinister sounded so right on some level.

"We decided to…finish things…in this cornfield near the suburbs…We lived in the city…So we didn't have the chance of getting caught…And any people who followed us would lose track eventually…

"So we went in specific order…Alphabetical order…My last name starts with a W…So I was last…" He clenched his fists together.

Blair was a bit empathetic. Not too much, of course.

"There were six of us…The first three…well…They shot themselves with no problem.

"My best friend Tyson was fourth…He chickened out, you could say…Tried to knock some sense into us. Said it wouldn't make things better."

Blair was genuinely interested now, nodding continuously.

"The two of us agreed with him…But we knew the police would come and all…We had all left notes…But still, we had to go to the police before they found us first…

"So…I agreed to moving back here with my mom…And go here for the next year."

Blair sighed. "You pretty much gave me your life story."

He just nodded. "Now, can you tell me why you're here?"

Blair puckered her lips. "I can pretty much sum it up to the fact that I tried to kill myself in my bathroom."

Brian furrowed his brows. "What stopped you?"

Blair tried to word it right. "Probably the person most important to me."

"Are you glad about it?"

Blair let a smile slip. "I'm not sure yet."

She wasn't sure about anything anymore.

--

As soon as group therapy was over, Blair retreated back to 1812 to check on Chuck. Sure, the kid was injured, but he could do some pretty stupid things.

She surprisingly found him reading a book.

She started cracking up. "Chuck Bass, are you _reading_?"

Chuck smirked as he looked up from his book. "Just trying to be good."

Blair smiled and approached him slowly. He closed his book when he realized that she wanted to talk to him.

She sat on his bed stiffly. Chuck sat up and laced his good arm around her waist. She relaxed.

"Chuck," She said softly. "I never thanked you…for saving me." Her lips were centimeters close to his.

"No thanks needed." He said quietly.

She moved closer into his arm. "But," Her voice was still soft. "I still want to know…why you said all those things to me…at the bar."

He bit his lip and tensed up. "Blair, I was scared shitless when I thought you were pregnant."

Blair thought about this. "I was too. When you found me in the bathroom…there were a dozen tests in that trash can."

Chuck's eyes narrowed. "Blair, it's been nearly two months…"

"Since we last had sex. I know that's what you think." Blair rubbed her temples. "I think…I think…There was another time..."

And suddenly Chuck knew what she was talking about. "That night…at Victrola."

Blair nodded. "We were drunk as hell…I remember…The back room…"

Chuck tensed. "But Nate-"

"I wasn't with Nate then." Blair defended herself. "It was…After the study party…Before I got back together with him…"

Chuck remembered. He had been angry that Nate was going to give a love letter to her, and they had both been taken over the edge by the fact that Vanessa had filmed them. So they had both decided to head to Victrola.

They had made love in the back room, her moans and whispers closed off to the rest of the world by the soundproof door.

Chuck remembers it well. But why was it a problem now?

Blair seems to be reading his mind. "I wasn't going to be able to tell so soon when I had first taken a test."

Chuck suddenly understood. "That's why…"

"I told you I wasn't pregnant in the courtyard." Blair's stomach was in knots. "The tests had come out negative."

"Blair…" Her face was turned from his. Tears were running down her face.

"Just tell me why you said those things at the bar." She turns back to him.

"I said them…Because I was scared." Chuck stutters. "I was scared that you would never see me as what I wanted to be for you."

"Everything." Blair says quietly. She caresses his cheek slowly, and then pulls away.

She shakes her head and continues crying. "I never meant to do this to you."

Chuck's heart pounds a million times a minute. "Blair…What's wrong?"

Blair runs her finger along the thin scar on her wrist. She doesn't want to look at him, but she knows she has to.

Chuck's scared senseless by now. He knows what he's going to tell her.

She caresses his cheek once more. "Chuck…" Blood is pounding in Chuck's ears.

"I think I'm pregnant."

The tears flow freely down her face as she pulls away from him.

Chuck pulls her in close again. He kisses her forehead ever so softly, and then guides her head to the top of his hurt shoulder. He feels no pain as she cries into his shirt.

He kisses the top of her head. It is not intimate; he is not asking for anything from her today.

"It's okay, Blair." He tries to calm her by whispering sweet nothings and hopes she hears them.

She quiets eventually and wraps her arms around him.

All Chuck hears are the sirens wailing from the street and the increasing panic in his chest.

--

**Author's Note:** Shocked? Suspecting? Do you think I'm stupid for doing this?

I had this planned from the beginning, though. It wasn't hinted at all in any of the chapters because this event at Victrola was recent, maybe a few days before the events in A Thin Line. Considering it's only March in this story, this happened a little over a month ago.

Now, is she pregnant? Is she not? Hmm…

Review, please! I need your opinions on this storyline. Thanks, Cass


	9. Learning

**Drowning**

**Chapter 9 – Learning**

**--**

**Summary:** Chuck and Blair dive headfirst into what they are now and what they have to be.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl.

--

Things were sufficiently odd the next morning when Blair woke up with her arms around Chuck's waist.

They were on his bed. Did she mind? She wasn't sure.

"Chuck." She called softly. "Are you up?"

He groans. "Now I am."

Blair turns red. "Sorry."

He turns towards her. "No problem. It's late anyway."

Blair lowers a brow. "It's eight in the morning."

"Well, whatever." Chuck rolls his eyes playfully. "It doesn't matter."

She smiles for a moment then realizes why she's here. What she told him.

She has a blistering headache. She groans and burrows her face in a pillow.

"I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon." She complains.

Chuck whips out his cell phone. "I'm calling room service."

Blair narrows her eyes. "Look, I don't need to eat right now." She hates eating in the morning.

"Yeah, you do." He dials room service and won't take no for an answer.

She doesn't want to argue with him anyway. She sits up and rubs her eyes. A new day. She couldn't hate it more.

Spring break ends in a few days. She hates the vacation time more than school.

She hates everything.

Chuck snaps his phone shut after he's done making his order for breakfast and plops back down on the bed.

"Look, about what you said last night…" He starts nervously.

"Just forget it." Blair turns away from the pillow and stares at the ceiling.

"Blair, I can't forget about it." Chuck turns to her.

"Well, I _want_ to." Blair grits her teeth.

"Blair." He says, more serious this time. She looks at him. "How many of…those tests…were positive?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Blair just shakes her head.

"Just tell me."

"Chuck," Blair begs. "Please. Not now."

Chuck has a feeling he doesn't want to know. Things are changing in all the silence and secrecy.

--

He hears a knock on the door.

"Must be the food." He mumbles and goes to answer the door.

He can hear Blair's sighs behind him.

The cart is wheeled in. Chuck says to put it on his father's tab. He's too worried to look for his card now.

The server makes his way out and Chuck locks the door behind him.

"You're eating." Chuck declared.

"No, I'm not." Blair frowns.

"Yes, you are." He moves towards her in pops a grape in her mouth as soon as she begins to respond.

She gives in. "Fine." She swallows a strawberry whole through her stubbornness.

Chuck smirks in satisfaction and drinks some orange juice. Usually, he adds vodka to his morning OJ, but it doesn't seem appropriate today.

"I'm really sorry about all this." Blair says suddenly.

Chuck thinks of a good response. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

She nods and continues eating. This is possibly the most uncomfortable conversation they've ever had. It's mostly because it's serious. It's not about scheming. It's not a happy subject. Maybe it would be happy if they were older. Married. Maybe it can be happy. He's unsure about everything now.

She begins talking again. "Twelve out of twelve."

Chuck is confused for a moment. Then the understanding hits him like a truck on the freeway.

All of a sudden, Blair bolts off the bed and into the bathroom.

He feels like he's being hit by multiple trucks today. Life isn't so fair anymore.

--

Blair's tired of all of it. The throwing up, the habitual lying to everyone, and especially, even the thought of being pregnant upsets her.

She's seventeen years old. She wants to graduate, go to Yale, find someone to marry, and _then_ have kids. This isn't fair.

All the mistakes she's made keep on piling up.

The sad thing is, Chuck still doesn't know about her biggest one. He'll figure it out eventually, and her world will crash down once more.

--

Chuck hears the retching sounds and the flushing of the toilet. Then water running. Finally, Blair exits from the bathroom, her skin spookily pale, her hair sweatily matted on her head. Chuck feels like he's in the hospital looking at her all over again. He whips out his phone again.

"What are you doing now?" She asks weakly.

"I'm calling a doctor." Chuck dials once again. "You need to get checked out. Lay down."

Blair stares at him. She's challenging him.

"Blair, please." He's begging her now.

She nods and obliges because she's finally realized that he's just as terrified as he is. She goes under the covers and hopes to find her escape in there.

And that proves that they are not different at all, even though it seems that way.

--

She lays her head back on the limo seat. Her headache has returned, but she's not going to say anything about it. Chuck might throw a million tablets of aspirin on her.

Things are so much different from when she had her first time in here. They were intimate, sure, then; now they're too terrified to speak the truth.

"Blair," Chuck calls slowly. He runs his fingers through her hair.

Blair sighs.

"You know I'm still here for you." Chuck looks straight at her. Her eyes are vulnerable; they're melding into his skin. "Right?"

Blair nods slowly. She intertwines her hand with his. Her fingers delicately grace his palm like raindrops falling.

"What are we going to do?" She asks him. Her voice breaks.

Chuck's eyes close. The future is clouded and unsure because of all this. Blair might be pregnant. They might be having a fucking _baby._

"I…" Chuck is lost. "I don't know."

But that's good enough for them. Just for now.

Blair moves closer to him. He wraps his arm around her and pulls her in. She feels comfortable and burrows her head in his chest, listening to his rapid but assuring heartbeat.

Things are okay now, even though the future might be a disaster.

--

The waiting room is eerie. Blair stares at the evidently pregnant women. They're much older. More confident. Her heart beats faster with every changing moment. She's squeezing Chuck's hand, and she's pretty sure she's cut off his circulation.

She wonders if he knows how much she loves him. Maybe she'll tell him one day.

Chuck's shaking; he hopes she hasn't noticed. He's staring at her abdomen and then his gaze moves to the pregnant women. Blair might actually look like them.

Is that supposed to be _joyous?_ He isn't sure.

But he's sure he loves Blair, and his possible family. He might not be able to handle all of it, but he loves them.

He's learning the difference between love and hate, scheming and seriousness. All he needs to do is take it in.

A nurse emerges. "Miss Waldorf and Mister Bass?"

Blair and Chuck rise at the sound of their names. They walk into the doctor's office, her hand still tightly wrapped around his.

--

"Any symptoms?" The doctor swings her red hair around. It's annoying the hell out of Blair.

Blair doesn't know how to respond to the question. She nudges Chuck and hopes that he answers for her.

"She's just been vomiting." Chuck says slowly. "And she was complaining about a headache this morning."

Blair rolls her eyes. He even takes the headache into account. Her head is still pounding.

"You're…seventeen, right?" The doctor asks.

Blair nods.

"Have you taken any pregnancy tests?"

Blair nods again.

"How many?"

Blair bites her lip. "Twelve." It sounds so stupid, twelve tests. Denial makes her do crazy things. She'd _drunk,_ for chrissake. She might have purposely inhaled fumes from Chuck's joints. She did anything in her power to make herself believe she wasn't pregnant.

"Were they all positive?"

"Yes." She gulps. She wishes it weren't true. It's just a cruel thing.

The doctor nods and scribbles something down.

"Well, we've taken your blood; we have to analyze the results now. Sit tight."

She exits the room and leaves the two teenagers alone to suffocate.

--

"It's funny." Blair laughs bitterly.

Chuck looks at her. Her personality has changed completely in a matter of minutes.

"It's funny that I have the second highest GPA in the junior class, I have Yale locked up, and I have everything anyone would ever want, and I have to mess it up like this." Her voice is ice.

Chuck removes the curls from her face and cups her chin softly. She hesitates, but lets him.

"Maybe this isn't a mistake." He says softly, looking past the coldness in her eyes.

"So you're saying you believe in fate?" Blair's iciness disappears.

Chuck lets go of her chin and resorts to caressing her cheek. "Maybe."

Perhaps true love still existed in the unlikeliest of places.

--

**Author's Note:** Kind of a cliffhanger…I guess. :P

A big thanks for the CC on the fic and all the positive responses. I love that people are reading, reviewing, and alerting. It makes it worthwhile.

Maybe an opinion on whether or not to have Blair knocked up will change my idea for the plot. Maybe, just maybe…

Of course, review, please! Thanks, Cass


	10. Forever

**Drowning**

**Chapter 10 – Forever**

**--**

**Summary:** Some choices change us forever. But forever is a foreign concept to most.

**Disclaimer: ** I don't own Gossip Girl.

--

Blair's nails cascaded against the limo window, her tapping the only sound.

There were no words. Words weren't necessary. All that had happened spoke for itself.

She was numb, cold. It was a feeling that she couldn't explain further and it was a feeling that she deeply hated. But lately, it had kept on returning, turning her blood into ice.

She didn't know what to say. Her mind couldn't form one coherent sentence. He said nothing. So there was no conversation. She wasn't sure if she liked it that way.

She returned with him to the Palace once more. She didn't know why she did; she desperately wanted to go home, where she'd be alone.

So as soon as they got into the suite she grabbed her things and walked out of the door.

She turned around once, but when she saw that he had not followed her, she was satisfied and kept on moving.

--

She had gone straight upstairs into her room, and then the bathroom. The place seemed unsanitary, soiled, now. She had instructed Dorota not to enter it under any circumstances. This place was different now.

She finally took the wastebasket and emptied the twelve tests out. She couldn't look at them anymore. They were some type of mark on her. She would never be the same.

Once she had done the dirty deed, she just lay on her bed and thought. After a while, she closed her eyes. She wanted to dream of a place far away from the one she was standing in.

--

_There was light, only light in this place. Peaceful, serene. The type of escape she needed._

_She was dancing with him, ever so slowly, to no music. It was the type of moment one could never forget._

_He looked amazing, and she felt amazing. It was a rarity she could only find in a dream._

_He was holding her close, tight, as if not wanting to let go. She didn't want to let go._

_It only spelled out one concept, one that she had never thought of, at least, not about them._

_Them, together forever._

--

When she woke up, she pondered the idea and decided that it would never happen.

Things were too different now. She had changed, and in her eyes, she had changed for the worse.

He couldn't possibly want her. He only took pity on her.

He took pity on her because she had gone to such extremes, obviously for him.

She finally broke out of her numb state as she felt a tear slide down her cheek, another one following in tandem.

She needed a good cry. She just wanted to feel.

--

Once a few hours had gone and her cell phone rang one too many times, she got up from her bed and took a few breaths.

She looked in the mirror. Standing there was the ghost of her former self. She wanted to touch her. She wanted to be her again. But there was just the image, not the girl. That Blair Waldorf had disappeared.

And she cried yet again, wanting to scream out, wanting to be Blair Waldorf again. But no one would hear her.

--

Her eyes were bloodshot and throbbing once another hour had passed. It was getting dark outside and her heart broke with the darker streaks in the sky.

She had to get it all out. She was cried out. There had to be something else.

She searched behind her pillow and found a leather bound book. It was empty; she had yet to write in it.

She supposed now would be a good time to start.

She took out her red pen and began scribbling her fury, her tears, everything.

--

Once she had written on four pages, she closed the book and placed it behind her pillow once more.

She was numb once again, her feelings all written down.

She was searching for happiness but she didn't know where to find it.

So she just waited after that. She waited for something magical to happen.

--

He arrived at around nine o'clock, his face frozen.

He seemed as numb as she was, until he opened his mouth.

"Please, just talk to me." He was pleading with her, trying to find some feeling in her, looking for something that wasn't there.

But she spoke because he asked her to.

"I just don't know what to say."

--

He sat on her bed and situated himself a bit before speaking again.

"I don't know what we're doing, Blair," He sighed. "I'm just lost."

"I can't help you there." She said abruptly.

He made a bold gesture and grabbed her hand.

"You know I'd do anything for you."

She didn't know how to respond to that. Her eyes were still bloodshot, intense as ever.

"I had a dream a couple of hours ago." She said softly

He seemed genuinely interested, his head snapping up.

"We were just dancing to no music. And there was light everywhere." She finally cracked a smile. "It was the first time…"

"What?"

"It was the first time I actually thought about forever for us." She closed her eyes again and tried to recapture the impossible dream.

He nodded, his jaw tightening as he thought about the statement.

"Look, I don't want you to think that I need your help." She stiffened again. "I don't."

"But I _want_ to help." He was pleading again. "Please."

"This is my choice." She said abruptly. "I'm not looking for anyone to save me."

"I know that." He accepted the terms. "But can't we_ try_ to make this work?"

She just shook her head slowly as more tears fell. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm…" She gulped. "I'm just waiting for the day that you'll realize you don't want me. It's just going to happen all over again."

That was the first moment they both realized what an impact this choice would make. This was their future. This was everything. There was no going back.

"I'm not going to leave you."

He wiped her tears, his attempt to try to reach out to her.

"You promise?" Her voice broke.

She realized she was still holding his hand.

--

**Author's Note:** And there ends another chapter. I know I'm really slow at updating, but I'm really trying as his fic is becoming tedious for me. And that's just not good.

That book is going to appear again. It's actually going to play a big role in a few chapters, so stay tuned.

Reviews, please! They keep me going (even though sometimes I don't want to). Thanks, Cass


	11. Options

**Drowning**

**Chapter 11 – Options**

**--**

**Summary:** She wasn't queen anymore, of course. But a secret this big would destroy her.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gossip Girl.

**AN: This story is officially off hiatus!** So, expect me to be around a lot more often. And, this is possibly the longest thing I've ever published on here. I know, it's sad.

--

**Spotted…or rather, Unspotted: Chuck Bass hasn't been on his usual midnight escapades. We don't know what has given him a change of heart. Could it be B? She's been spending quite a lot of time with the UES devil. In fact, we hear she's been spending many nights in his suite at the Palace. These two are hiding something, and it's only inevitable that we find out what it is.**

**You know you love me.**

**xoxo Gossip Girl**

--

The end of Spring Break had finally come, and Gossip Girl was back to terrorize them all. It was expected that Gossip Girl would know about her staying at the Palace. But she didn't know _why_.

It was best that she kept this secret until it became obvious. She didn't need anything threatening her rise to royalty. She _needed_ her title as queen. It was the only thing that made her seem important. It made her seem like _something_.

The only other person that knew was Chuck. And he was absolutely terrified. Something like this would ruin his reputation. Chuck Bass, stopped in his tracks, never able to go on his midnight escapades again? He was heading towards an entirely different road, one where he would actually gain a heart and let someone into his world.

It was a work in progress. He wasn't going to take responsibility for absolutely everything in a matter of one night.

Yes, he cared. But was that enough?

--

Six weeks, they had estimated. Even though it was close to impossible that Nate was even a possibility, this only affirmed her beliefs that this responsibility would fall onto Chuck's shoulders, as well as her own.

He had promised to never leave her and take care of her like she deserved. But she was only waiting for him to run. She was waiting to wake up one morning and realize that he wasn't there.

But for the rest of break, she stayed in his suite. And every morning, he was still next to her. They were turned away from each other while sleeping, excluding her first night there, when she tossed and turned and woke up staring at him, his fists clenched in complete terror.

Chuck Bass was genuinely scared for the first time in his life. And Blair felt horrible for even contributing to his fear.

They didn't even have the complications of being in a relationship to haunt them yet. They couldn't be together at this point. It would only make the situation much worse. She had decided this as soon as she'd put herself in the compromising position of sleeping in the same bed with him.

The suite was slowly becoming her permanent home; she had even thought to bring her school uniform with her when she packed for a few nights. Dorota called to make sure she was okay, understanding the magnitude of the situation, and her mother wasn't in the city. She wasn't missed at home.

So, for the first time since she started staying there, when Blair left with Chuck for school, she left her things there. She knew she was coming back.

--

They hadn't talked much since he confronted her in her bedroom. Their fear filled the absolute silence, and they really had nothing to say.

But Blair knew she had to swear him to secrecy.

"You can't tell anyone about this," She locks eyes with him, and he knows what she's talking about. "We need to figure out what we're going to do before we let it slip."

He nods, his jaw clenched. "Do you have any idea…Is there something you want to do?"

"I really don't know," She admits. "I can't really deal with all of this right now."

"This situation…It's not going to wait." He says this cautiously, but sharply.

"I know that," She spits venom. "I…really don't want to talk about it."

"We have to talk about it sometime."

"Well…Not right now!" She continuously fights his pleas to figure everything out. "Look, I appreciate you helping me and everything, but…This situation doesn't involve you."

He takes offense to that statement. "Oh, really? Then how did all of this happen? Did you do it all by yourself?"

"I really can't talk with you about this!" She sighs and tears down the wall between them. "I'm scared, Chuck."

He closes his eyes for a split second. "That doesn't mean you have to shut me out. This…It involves both of us. It's about _us_. You don't have to go through this alone."

"You don't understand!" She shrieks in defense. "You have the opportunity to walk away. You can forget about all of this. You can forget about me."

"I told you I wasn't going to."

"I can't take your word on this," She lowers her head. "You just pushed me away when I needed you the most. When everyone turned their back on me, _you_ were the last one to let go!"

He doesn't have a response to that.

"If you don't recall, I wanted to die." She nearly whispers this. "I felt that bad."

"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" There is no anger in his voice, only weakness. "I'm here now. And I'm going to stay here."

"Fine," She gives in. "I believe you."

She adjusts his scarf and pretends like the small argument never happened.

"You have to understand that this is about what _I _want to do with my life," She reasons with him. "This is about everything that's right in front of me. Everything that's about to slip away."

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to." He suggests the unthinkable. "Whatever you decide, it's fine with me."

"I…I can't decide this on my own." She feels helpless. "I really do need your help." She finally admits it.

"Then I'll be there. We'll talk after school."

She nods as the limo pulls up in front of the school and she prepares to face the gossip.

--

"_I heard that over Spring Break, she moved in with Chuck."_

"_Why?"_

"_There's a b-a-b-y on the way."_

"_Well, I heard Chuck overdosed over the break and Blair's keeping him on suicide watch."_

"_I heard Chuck asked her to marry him and she moved in because her parents didn't give their blessing."_

"_I just heard they're sleeping together and she stays in his suite for the convenience of always having him around."_

"_What's wrong with Chuck's shoulder?"_

"_I heard Nate stabbed him when he heard that Blair was living with him."_

"_Really?"_

"_Of course. You know I never lie."_

_--_

Some of them had part of the truth. Some were completely wrong. But no one hit it on the head, and with all the stories going around, Blair knew no one would without confirmation. And I wasn't like she was going to tell anyone. If Chuck did, it would be a complete surprise to her.

No one approached her. Jenny and the minions kept their distance as they shared whispers and giggled. Nate hung his head low and Dan Humphrey just stared, wide-eyed.

Serena was the first to start walking towards her, a wide smile on her face. She was excited for Blair, wrongfully assuming that the two were finally in a relationship.

"So, what's been going on with you two?" She gestured towards Chuck, who had made his way over to a bench in the courtyard, where he sat alone. "You haven't answered any of my calls."

"Sorry," She tried to make the apology sound meaningful. "I've been a bit preoccupied."

"I can see that," Serena laughed a bit. "So, have you two finally worked things out?"

"We aren't dating, if that's what you mean." She's looking at Chuck over Serena's shoulder. Nate's next to him now, muttering a few words that she can't hear.

"Why are you staying with him, then?" She questions her.

"He's trying to help me out, okay?" She gets defensive. "I thought you of all people would understand."

Serena sighs. "I never said I didn't. I'm just wondering why you've had such a change of heart."

"What do you mean?"

"Not too long ago, you wouldn't even speak to him," She says matter-of-factly. "Are you sure there's nothing else going on?

Blair obviously didn't want to hide anything from Serena. They told each other everything. But these were extenuating circumstances. When she was ready to reveal everything, Serena would be the first to know. But now obviously wasn't the time.

"It's _nothing_, Serena," Blair's voice gets sharper. "I don't understand why you're trying to pry into my business."

"There's something you're not telling me, and you know it."

Blair keeps a straight face and snorts her nose. "I'm not hiding anything from you."

Serena grits her teeth. "Fine. Let me know when you're finally ready to tell me the truth."

She turns on her heel and walks into the school without a second thought.

Blair puts on a brave face as she walks into the courtyard and up to Chuck, who's still engrossed in his conversation with Nate.

"Sorry to interrupt," She says slowly. Nate and Chuck both stare at her. She ignores Nate and looks at Chuck. "I'm going to class now."

He starts to get up. "I'll walk you."

"No, it's fine." She gives him a genuine smile. "But I'll meet you here after school. We can talk more then."

He nods as she turns away and walks into the school.

--

"So, what exactly is going on between you two?" Nate asks nonchalantly.

"We're not dating," That's his automatic answer. "I'm just helping her get through things. Her mom's not around enough and…she really needs someone."

He nods. "It's great that you're…taking care of her and all." He lowers his head. "I'm really sorry about everything, man." He extends his hand.

Chuck shakes it and smirks. "So am I."

"So, you really like her, don't you?"

He smiles. "Yeah. I really do."

Nate doesn't ask anything else about Blair, and for that Chuck is glad. He doesn't know if he could hide something so important as well as Blair can.

--

The first day back was unbearably slow. For the majority of the day, Blair stared at the chalkboard in every classroom. Just stared until her eyes burned and her vision was blurry.

She and Chuck were finally ready to talk about things. They were finally going to decide on an option.

The conversation could go wrong in so many ways, but for the first time, Blair remained optimistic. He did care. And he was trying.

Right now, that was more than enough.

--

He's waiting for her on the bench when she exits the school. When he catches her eye, he gets up and offers his arm. She takes it and she starts walking with him amidst all the flashes of everyone's cell phone cameras.

When she knows that they're all out of earshot, she surveys the area and make sure that no one's followed them. Chuck's limo pulls up and he opens the door for her.

It's finally time to talk. She's never been more terrified in her entire life.

--

She starts it abruptly. "There are three options, of course."

He nods, a complete nervous wreck. "Are you thinking of…"

"The easy way out?" She shrugs. "It would be the simplest way, but…I don't know."

He stares at her intently, waiting for an explanation.

"I know I have ambitions and people to make proud," Blair continues. "But…Like you said, maybe this is meant to be. Maybe I was meant to screw up."

"Do you consider this a screw-up?" He isn't angry when he asks this. He is only curious.

"It wasn't a part of my master plan." She chuckles a bit, then becomes serious again. "This was never the way things were supposed to go."

"What do you mean?" He's only asking questions.

"This situation…" She almost doesn't want to finish. "Being here with you."

He isn't sure if that's supposed to be a hurtful statement, but he doesn't take it as one. "Is being here with me…a bad thing?"

"It's not that," She shakes her head. "I always thought…if something like this ever happened, Nate would be by my side, encouraging me to do what I thought was right. Now, Nate and I don't even speak." She turns to him. "You changed everything for me."

He furrows his brows as he listens.

"You were always this clichéd, misunderstood bad boy in everyone's eyes." She almost smiles at that. "But…You're a good guy. And I'm sorry that not everyone sees that."

He smiles at her. "But you do. That's all that matters."

The air is tense and everything goes slowly. He begins to lean in, and she does too, almost giving into temptation. She pulls away before her lips touch his.

She moves away. "This…It can't happen. Not right now."

He sighs deeply. "Why?"

She takes in a deep breath and begins to explain. "I really need you to be a friend right now. I need you to help me choose an option."

"Why do you need my help?" He's frustrated with her now, but not enough to stop caring. Not enough to walk away like he usually would.

"Because you _are_ important to me, no matter what you or anyone else may think. If it weren't for you, I would have died in that bathroom. I wouldn't be here right now."

--

tbc


	12. Help

**Drowning**

**Chapter 12 – Help**

**--**

**Summary:** At night, we whisper, and slowly, but surely, the truth comes out.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl.

**AN:** So here's Chapter 12! This chapter's going to start with a flashback from that night at the back room at Victrola. It was mentioned in Chapter 8, so if you need to go back, well, do so. **Vote on the poll on my profile! I really need your help with deciding what I'm going to write!**

--

_He smelled of scotch and cigarettes, as he always did. _

_Her tongue was tangled in his, something that felt so right. But intoxication would be their excuse if others questioned them later; sober, the two knew better._

"_You're beautiful," He whispered in her mouth._

_She swore to herself that she wouldn't remember those words._

_She swore that she wouldn't remember him._

_She blamed it all on the alcohol and cursed herself for being convinced to do this again._

_He was always so convincing._

_The alcohol always impaired her judgment. Her feelings won._

_She wouldn't remember how he made her feel. She wouldn't admit that he had taken her heart._

_But she kissed him because he was there._

_She had sex with him because he was there._

_And that was it, she swore._

_Feelings had nothing to do with it._

--

"Blair?" His calls comes from over her shoulder, interrupting her thoughts. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

She stares at the card, her vision blurring. "Yeah. I'm sure."

She places the card on the nightstand and tucks herself into his bed. She turns away from the nightstand to see his face. He's absolutely expressionless and has nothing to say. He only turns on his side and away from her, acknowledging that nothing can happen. It's entirely obvious that he's not okay with that, but he'd rather just be friends with her than not talk to her at all.

"Chuck?" His name comes out of her mouth almost in a whisper.

He doesn't answer, only stirs.

"Are you okay with this?" She gulps. "What I'm doing…Is it okay with you?"

He shuts his eyes for a moment. "I'm okay with anything you want to do."

"I'm asking about _you_," She's never done that before. "Do you want to do this?"

He sighs, but doesn't say anything.

"I need you to be okay with this," Her voice cracks.

His brows furrow. "Why?"

"I don't want you…I don't want you to hate me."

This is when he turns towards her again, his jaw tight.

"Listen to me," He whispers. "I will never hate you."

She's tearing up, and she hates herself for it. "But you hate what I'm doing."

"I never said that."

"You don't have to," She tries to put on a brave face. "Tell me the truth. Are you okay with this?"

"The truth?" She nods, and he sighs. "I don't know, Blair. I don't know about any of this."

"I asked you to help me choose," She's entirely dependent on him, and she's pretty sure he knows it. "So help me."

He helps her because he knows she can't do this alone. "I don't hate what you're doing. I understand it."

"That doesn't mean you like it, either," She argues with him once more. "Charles Bass, tell me the truth. Are you okay with it?"

"Blair…" He almost begs her to let it go, but she doesn't budge. "No, I'm not."

She nods slowly, then turns to the nightstand. She picks up the card and examines it once more. She turns away again, facing Chuck, but saying nothing.

"Are you angry?" He asks tentatively.

"No," She closes her eyes. "I understand."

And so she goes to sleep without another word. No promises to forget about the card with the date and time neatly typed on it, almost begging her to erase the past. She doesn't say anything about honoring his wishes. She only sleeps.

So he turns away from her and begins to doze off, the weight of things unsaid falling upon him.

--

When he wakes up, she is no longer beside him. He only hears the retching behind the bathroom's closed door and he groans.

She exits the bathroom in her school uniform, prim and proper, as if nothing had happened.

"I'm never eating room service again." She's sworn this for weeks now.

He rises from his bed and wipes his eyes, shuffling to the bathroom. He takes a look in the mirror at his dismal self.

His eyes dart towards the wastebasket and he only sees the card that was on the nightstand last night, torn up, its date and time meaningless now.

Blair walks into the bathroom, smiling. She nudges him out of the way and applies her ruby red lipstick, looking in the mirror.

Once she's done, she places the tube in her bag and faces him.

"I hope you know what you're getting into," She smirks as she leaves the bathroom. "Oh, and hurry up. We're going to be late!"

He feels a smile coming upon his lips, finally realizing that he does matter.

--

They're still whispering when they arrive at school. Blair is more confident than the day before and has a bit more strut in her step.

She approaches Jenny Humphrey and puts on her trademark smirk.

"So, Little J," She is unfazed by Penelope's glare behind the blonde's shoulder. "How's royalty treating you?"

She giggles viciously. "Just fine, Blair." She turns to whisper to her minions. "I hear you're shacking up with Chuck Bass."

Blair nods. "Yes, I've been staying with him."

Jenny snorts. "Gee, Blair. I never thought you would stoop that low."

Blair just rolls her eyes. "This is coming from the girl who Chuck nearly violated at _my_ Kiss on the Lips party."

Behind Jenny, Isabel snorts and Hazel lets out a small snicker. Penelope just sighs.

"Oops," Blair lets out a fake giggle. "I forgot that was a _secret_. It's funny how people just let those slip."

Jenny turns beet red and tightens her gaze. She doesn't say anything, but she's aware that this means war.

She turns away from Blair, gesturing towards the bunch behind her. "Come on, let's go." They follow obediently, knowing that Jenny's throne is already threatened and it's only the second day back.

Blair, satisfied, hears everyone's cell phones go off. Perfect timing.

**Oh, Little J, looks like you won't be Queen very long. If you're going to let someone embarrass you that easily without any defense strategy, you obviously don't have what it takes.**

**Score one for our former Queen B.**

**xoxo Gossip Girl**

And suddenly, there's an uproar in the courtyard.

Blair locks eyes with Chuck, and just like that, they both smirk.

_The bitch is back._

--

They sit together on the steps at lunch. She picks at a fruit salad as he downs some sushi.

"Eat." He gestures towards her lunch, which isn't even half gone.

"What's going on with her?" Serena's voice pokes in. "Why are you telling her to eat?"

"Well, hello, sister," He drawls. "Obviously, I asked her to eat because she isn't eating."

Serena sits down on the step below them. "Well, is there a reason she isn't?"

"Serena," Blair speaks up. "There's nothing wrong with me."

"Are you sure?" She questions her for the millionth time. "Is it back?"

Blair's nose flares. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Serena," Chuck butts in. "I can safely say, considering that I've been spending most of my time with Blair, that her _condition_ hasn't returned."

Serena stands up. "Fine. But you two are hiding something."

They both roll their eyes as Serena leaves.

Blair swallows a grape.

"Are you going to tell her?" Chuck asks.

"Soon."

--

**Spotted: S demanding C and B reveal the secret they've been hiding. Sadly, the two stayed tight-lipped. Looks like I'll have to do a bit more investigating to finally find out the truth.**

**xoxo Gossip Girl**

--

"When are we going to tell people?"

"When the time is right." Blair doesn't elaborate.

"Well, do you have any idea when that is?" He's getting impatient.

"Look, I'd rather not argue about this," She snaps. "I'll tell everyone when I'm ready."

"If Gossip Girl finds out before we start telling people-"

"She won't," Blair's lips are in a thin line. "As long as we stay under her radar, we'll be fine."

He knows she's got a plan and with that, he doesn't argue anymore.

"Having second thoughts about that appointment?"

"Are you?"

He shakes his head.

Her ruby red lips curl into a smile. "Then, I don't have any either."

At this moment, they should be in a panic, wondering where to go from here, but they just sink into the moment and leave their troubles for later.

They had finally made a choice.

Whether that choice had consequences, they had yet to find out.

--

tbc


	13. Confession

**Drowning**

**Chapter 13 – Confession**

--

**Summary:** Chuck finally says what he's been holding onto since Blair's suicide attempt.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl or That '70s Show, which I watching as I wrote this.

**AN:** This might be the last thing I pump out before I leave for Florida in five days. Hopefully, I'll add Blair's part to All You Can't Leave Behind before I go, but I probably won't have the time. Enjoy this chapter, because the next arc I have planned…well, you'll see. **Remember to vote on the poll on my profile! Love, Hate, and the In-Between is still winning. Personally, I'm rooting for A City of Dust. Teehee.**

**Lyrics:** The lyrics at the very end of this chapter are courtesy of the song "Swan Song" by Jake Epstein. You should check that song out; it's pretty short, but powerful.

--

"You can't be serious."

But there it was. The digital clock read 10:31, the numbers red and affirming.

It was Friday. A school day.

"You _idiot_!" Blair yelled as a groggy Chuck rubbed his eyes. She slapped his arm. "You didn't set the alarm!"

"I'm sorry for ruining your perfect attendance record," He mocked. "It's so absolutely tragic."

She rolled her eyes as she rose from the bed and searched for her uniform.

"Wait," He stopped her. "You're not seriously still going to school."

"We can make the first lunch period if we hurry." She was still looking for her skirt.

"Have you ever even tried cutting class?" He raised his eyebrows.

She turned around to face him. "Unlike you, I'm trying to get into college."

"One day isn't going to kill you," He was still lying in his bed. "You would never skip class anyway."

He was challenging her. He knew that she would never back down from a challenge.

"Fine," She threw her uniform on the floor. "I'll cut class. What are we going to do all day?"

He smirked, and Blair knew he had a plan.

--

"The roof of Victrola?" Blair smirked. "This is…ominous."

"I thought I'd give you…a different view of something you already know," Chuck explained nervously. "You haven't been up here."

"I haven't," She shakes her head. "It's beautiful."

Blair studied the view before her. It made the Upper East Side seem peaceful, serene. Even though that couldn't be further from the truth, she enjoyed being above, as if she could watch the scandal unfold without her.

She wished it would, for once.

"What the hell are we going to do?" Blair questioned suddenly. She didn't look at him, just stared at the view and wished for something better. Something stable.

"I have no idea," Chuck had no choice but to throw his hands up at the moment. Contrary to popular belief, he'd never been caught in a situation like this. A few months ago, he wouldn't even have cared. But this was different. She made it all different.

"I threw out that card because you asked me to," She reminded him. "There has to be some way you think we can handle this."

"I…" He knew what he wanted to say, but somehow, he couldn't accept the words. They stood on his tongue for a few moments until he was able to blurt it out.

"I want to keep it."

Blair froze and turned around. "What?" She gave him an incredulous look, indicating that he was in the wrong. And he just didn't understand why.

"That's not what you want?"

"Of course not!" She was raising her voice. "I can't handle this. That card was supposed to make everything easy. I never thought…"

"What did you expect, Blair?" He challenged her. "Did you think I was going to let you go through with this to give it all up in the end?"

She hadn't really thought about the two remaining options when she tore up that card and threw it in the trash. She just thought that she would fix it later. But this problem wouldn't wait for her.

"I just…" She lowered her voice to almost a whisper. "I don't think I can do it. Take responsibility for someone else."

"But…" He didn't really understand the gravity of the situation. But he was trying. "I'm right here with you. I can help."

But that just wasn't enough.

"I don't trust you," She said simply. "No matter how many times you say you'll stick around, I'll always remember the way you pushed me away. You can't make up for that."

Chuck wasn't having it anymore. He had fought for her trust, and he had thought that he was finally in her good graces again. But it all seemed to be a waste.

"What more do you want from me?" He finally raised his voice at her. "I'm standing _right here_! Just like I have been since everything happened!" It was always the same old song and dance with her, and he was sick of it. He was tired of proving that he was good enough for her.

"I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt, Chuck," She said slowly, as if he didn't know that already. "I'm not stable enough to do all of this. I just can't wrap my head around nurturing someone right now when I don't even know how to take care of myself."

"But we can _figure it out_," He explained just as slowly. "We're smart people. We can do this."

"That's not the point!" She sighed. "It's not about being smart enough. It's about being the right fit for this child. I'm not going to screw up someone else like I've done to myself."

"Why are we so wrong for this?" He just couldn't comprehend why it was so difficult.

"I'm still going to be _seventeen_ when it happens," Blair reasoned. "I'm not ready."

"That doesn't mean that you'll always feel that way," He argued. "I don't think I'm ready either."

"Then why are we even giving this a shot?" She turned away to look at the city again. All those bright lights, all those hopes and dreams, just shattering in front of her. Change was on its way.

"Because," He was going to blurt out something stupid again.

"I love you."

She sharply turned towards him again. "_What _did you just say?"

"You heard me," He muttered.

"I…" She stiffened. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," He was sure he didn't show a hurt expression, but the pang in his chest didn't tell lies.

And she didn't. She just watched him walk away once again, leaving her on the rooftop alone.

She didn't blame him for leaving, but she wanted to. She wanted to blame him for all the pain and suffering and the destruction.

But she couldn't anymore. He was the only one left, and she pushed him away.

--

She just stands on the rooftop for hours on end, watching the sunset and the streetlights go on.

During those hours, she can't help but contemplate those three words that he had blurted out. The words that seemed to sum up everything that he had done for her, all the reasons that he had stood by her after he found her in that bathroom.

She couldn't just throw it all away. It wasn't like it was with Nate. With Nate, it was just a decade-long relationship full of complications and something that they called love, even though it had evaporated into the darkness.

With Chuck, it was only a few weeks. A few weeks of _something_. Something important. And it was so close to slipping away.

So she stood up and walked off the rooftop, ready to join reality once more.

--

It's three in the morning when he opens his door and sees her in front of him.

"I don't know if I'm ready to say what you did," She confesses.

He nods while holding onto the hope that she will say them someday.

"But…I'm willing to try to handle this," She continues. "I can't lose you. I need you."

And he needed her.

So he took her hand, and waited to take the plunge.

_I'll take a chance; it's not romance, but something more important._

--

tbc


	14. Love

**Drowning**

**Chapter 14 – Love**

--

**Summary:** He never meant to fall in love. She never meant to have faith in him.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl.

**AN:** So, after this chapter, there are six left! This story was started more than a year ago and I'm a bit sad that it's ending. But, this chapter is your reward for sticking through all the angst. Enjoy it. The depressing stuff will make its return.

--

He slept on the couch the entire weekend. They hadn't had a fight, but it was obvious that their relationship had gone through a drastic change. Blair wondered why she never made him sleep on the couch before; _did she actually_ like_ sleeping next to him?_ She shuddered at the thought.

The weekend was a stressful blur. They didn't talk much, but they were content with each other's presence.

Monday morning came, and with it, a school day. It was something they both dreaded, especially since everyone was trying to pry information from them.

For Blair, as usual, the morning began with its wave of nausea.

Once she finished retching into the toilet, she laid her head back on the bathroom wall and looked up at the ceiling. It was going to be another long week.

"You okay?" His voice broke into her thoughts.

"I'm fine, Bass," She gave him a weak smile. "You should really stop worrying so much."

And just like that, as fate would have it, the wave washed over her again. She found herself looking at the porcelain toilet bowl once more. He immediately rushed over to her to pull the hair out of her face.

"Thanks," She mumbled, embarrassed that she relied on him for such things.

"It's what I'm here for." He returned the weak smile that she had given him.

He offered her a hand to help her up. She stared at it for a few seconds, then sighed as she took it. She lifted herself up and began smoothing out the wrinkles in her skirt.

"Ready?" She mustered the biggest smile she could.

"Always."

--

"_I wonder why they skipped school on Friday…"_

"_A trip to the free clinic? I hear she got a nasty STD from him."_

"_Gross. Why is she even with him? I never thought she would sink that low."_

"_She's basically dirt now. She might as well get accustomed to the worms."_

The morning began with its usual whispers. The courtyard froze as the dark-haired teenagers entered calmly, ignoring the harsh words that were being spoken about them.

"You can't let them get to you." He whispered sharply.

"_I'm aware,_ Bass," She rolled her eyes. "I'll see you at lunch."

He nodded as he made his way towards Nate, who was sitting on a bench pretending to read his Chemistry textbook.

Blair noticed the tall blonde approaching her from a mile away. She sighed as she waited for the daily interrogation.

"You and Chuck still seem cozy," Serena poked at her best friend. "Nothing wrong yet?"

"No, S," She muttered exasperatedly. "I'm not in the mood to be interrogated today, okay?"

"You mean, you're not ready to tell me your secret," Serena clarified. "B, why can't you tell me?"

"It's…It's complicated, Serena," Blair avoided eye contact with her at all costs. "I'm…sorry."

She walked away from Serena and into the building, trying to stay composed.

--

"Nothing going on with Blair yet?" Nate raised his eyebrows in curiosity.

Chuck sighed. "Nothing. Just…"

The blonde's brows furrowed. "What happened?"

"I told her I loved her."

Nate's eyes widened. "Wow, man. I never thought…"

"I just…blurted it out," Chuck confessed. "I didn't mean to tell her."

"Well, did you mean it?"

"Of course." Chuck said this slowly, as if Nate were an idiot.

Nate chuckled at this. "I didn't think you had it in you."

"You know what?" Chuck responded in a whimsical tone. "Neither did I."

"Wait," Nate interrupted. "You're still not together?"

"She just wants to be friends." He muttered.

"Ah. Everyone loves the 'just friends' speech," Nate laughed a bit. "Do you think there's still hope?"

Chuck studied Blair as she rushed inside the building.

"I don't know," He admitted. "Maybe."

--

"I can't stand it anymore," Blair threw a grape back into her fruit salad. "The whispers are getting out of control. Have you heard some of the things-"

"Why do you care so much?" Chuck countered.

"I don't know," Blair sighed. "It's just…I've never not been on top."

"I know it's weird," Chuck tried to understand. "But aren't there more important things?"

He had a point. Blair smiled. "You're right. I'm tired of caring about what people think."

She popped a grape into her mouth and Chuck smiled to himself.

"You still haven't told Serena, I assume."

"No," She replied. "It's getting hard to hide this from her."

"I can relate." Chuck had been tempted to tell Nate this morning, but he knew better. No matter what he said about being okay with him being in a relationship with Blair, he would hit the roof if he found out about what was really going on. Chuck couldn't afford to lose his best friend again, after all that had happened when Blair first got in between their friendship.

"I wish this was easier." She wished it was in a different time, a different place. Somehow, she didn't wish for a different person.

"It will be," He promised. "Soon."

When everyone knew, it would all be simpler.

--

"You're not coming…?" Chuck stopped before he said _home_. He wasn't exactly sure if Blair considered his suite home.

"I have something to do." Blair remained as vague as possible. She brought a change of clothes with her; she was now in a t-shirt and jeans, something that bewildered the entire courtyard.

"_Blair Waldorf in jeans? I thought I'd never see the day."_

"_That girl has gone off the deep end."_

"I'll be home soon." Blair gave him a quick smile as she kissed him on the cheek and hailed a cab.

Chuck didn't know what surprised him more: the kiss on the cheek or the fact that she called his suite home.

--

"Today, we're going to discuss our current issues in life, and what we can do to overcome them." The group's current counselor of the week pasted on a bright smile as she spoke robotically. Blair rolled her eyes at the woman's failed attempt to encourage her by placing her hand on her knee. She moved away as Hallie began speaking.

Blair examined the girl. She was no longer the goth stigma that Blair originally identified her as. In fact, she was quite pretty. Her hair seemed to be its natural brown color and her eyes were a bright green. She wore a long-sleeved shirt to cover the cuts that everyone had caught sight of at the last meetings.

"I've been getting notes from my ex-boyfriend," She tucked her hair behind her ear. "My family moved to another district and I transferred to a new school, but somehow, he found me.

"He abused me. Sexually, physically, mentally," Hallie pulled her sleeves down. "That's why I started cutting.

"He keeps on asking me to come back to him." She paused. "But I'm not that stupid."

Blair smiled at this. She never expected that the girl would actually speak.

"I just want him to leave me alone," She looked up and smiled at this. "And then everything will be fine."

_Everything will be fine. _Blair wondered why it seemed to be such an impossible concept.

--

Chuck didn't ask questions when Blair returned to suite 1812. She sighed in relief; though Chuck had been there for her, she still didn't want him to know about her group meetings at the Ostroff Center. He had labeled that place a "wacky shack" long ago, and she never argued.

"Hey," She gave him a soft smile. "I'm surprised you didn't go out."

"I didn't really have any place to go," He shut the book he was reading and stood up from his bed. "I thought you would have an idea of something to do."

"I just want to stay here, if you don't mind," She was exhausted at this point. "You can leave if you want."

He shook his head. "We could just…hang out."

"Right," Blair said awkwardly. "If that's what you want." She sat on his bed and frowned.

He eyed her for a minute and gestured towards the spot next to her. She nodded slowly and cautiously, allowing him to sit next to her.

"I would ask what you were doing while you were out…" He smirked. "But it's really none of my business."

"You're right." She turned towards him, also smirking. "It is none of your business."

It was silent for a few moments until Blair sighed.

"But I'll tell you anyway." She took a deep breath before beginning her explanation. "I've been forced to go to group meetings at the Ostroff Center."

He didn't answer for a few moments and looked as if he was contemplating the proper response.

"I don't know what to say." He gave up.

"You don't have to say anything," Blair stopped him. "I know you're not exactly a fan of the kids that end up in there, but I wouldn't be going if I didn't-"

"Blair, stop." Chuck cut her off. "You clearly don't give me enough credit. Eric was a patient there, and I don't have an issue with him. And obviously, I don't have an issue with you."

Blair relaxed. "I just…I didn't want people to find out. Everyone who's a patient there is just considered to be insane. And I'd like to think that I'm sane on some level."

"Well, that can be argued." Chuck playfully challenged. Blair rolled her eyes and showed a hint of a smile.

"To tell you the truth, I actually…like it there. The kids…they just understand." Blair admitted. "And they were the only ones I could talk to."

"You can talk to me."

"I know that now." Blair let out another tight-lipped smile. "Thank you."

Chuck's brow furrowed. "For what?"

"For not judging me."

"No need to thank me," Chuck returned a small smile. "I just…I care about you."

It was tense for a moment; a certain magnetism was in the air.

Blair leaned in first. Chuck followed suit. Their lips crashed somewhere in the middle in a mixture of longing and obvious attraction.

"I…" Blair gasped after their lips parted. She couldn't finish. The words wouldn't fall from her lips.

"Don't." Chuck appeased her. "Don't say it if you're not ready to."

She nodded and took the initiative this time, kissing his lips once more.

--

tbc


End file.
